man farts, i giggle

So...I felt compelled to write this lovely gem of a story. Here I am, waiting in the New Haven train station...waiting for the stupid Amtrak train to Boston to finally frickin arrive. The bastard sign says it's running "50 minutes late" but I know better. I have at least 90 minutes before I can even think about getting up and going to the track. This comes to no surpise to me that it's running late. I mean, for real, I've probably taken Amtrak 20 times this year and maybe...MAYBE...once it was actually on time. I don't get it. Do they hit traffic? I mean...one would think trains would be the easiest mode of transportation and the most reliable option out there...but nope. It literally NEVER runs on time. Yet I still get so pissed when I see it running late. They're quick to take my money, probably the fastest thing they're good at, the bastards. But I digress.

This story involves the water buffalo of a man I had the pleasure of sitting next to in the train station. Trying not to choke on the smell of piss and poverty, I see from the corner of my eye that this guy next to me making a sudden and very unexpected movement. So I glance over in his direction to see if he's OK, only to find him leaning hard to the right (away from me) and lifting his left buttcheek off the wooden bench (toward me) and proceed to let out a loud, wet, bench shaking fart. At first, I'm shocked that I just witnessed this (and then even more shocked to realize my mouth was open the whole time). Totally grossed out, I then realize that this is pretty funny. Who has the audacity to rip ass like that? In public??! AT ME?! It was one of the grossest things I've ever been a part of. Haha. But then again, what was I really expecting from this elephant sitting next to me? I should've seen this one coming a mile away! Perhaps my head was clouded by the urine smell of the New Haven Station or by the ugly couple across from me "secretly" groping eachother. Ahh, just another Sunday Funday experiencing all that is Amtrak.Thanks Obama for funneling all that money into it...now I can guarantee a story like this every time I take a ride. Jerk.

Special K - Just for Chicks?

So I've come to really enjoy the cereal "Special K" (made by Kellogg's). It's so frick'n good! Annnd I've come to find out it's pretty healthy for you...especially if you're an aging woman. YES! Wait, what?!


WTF! Am I in love with a woman's cereal? Is there even such a thing as a woman's cereal? How can food be gender specific? Am I going to grow boobs, a v-gine and potentially....a baby?! Perhaps I should stick with more manly cereals. Like "Guns, Oats, and Hookers" (made by Betty Crocker)...a fine source of protein or so I hear.

Take the challenge and decide for yourself...check out the Special K website: http://www.specialk.com.au/


I don't even know who I am anymore. Thanks a lot Special K...you really are special..

picking a winner

occasionally i'll glance around the room at work...and just take it all in. it's inspiring to see everyone working hard at whatever it is they are doing. but every now and then...just every so often... i totally catch someone picking their nose.

i am completely amused by this.

and it's always the least suspecting nose-picker. take the pretty girl who sits in the corner for example. day after day, she's all buttoned up and dressed to the nines...then i catch her knuckle deep digging for nose gold. i'm not even grossed out or offended...i think it's hilarious.

but it's funniest when they know they've been caught. the look of terror comes over their face. they know what they've been up to. and they know they've been caught, green-handed. pick on my friends, pick on.

Aint That a Drag!

so...it's no big secret that i occassionally enjoy a fine cigar. well, a few weeks ago on a hot summer night, i decided to take a walk with a few friends... light it up and enjoy a nice smoke along with a solid conversation along the charles river.

that's when it happened.

so there i am, enjoying my cigar and sitting alongside the dock by the hatch shell with some friends when some strung out lady approaches me. she comes up to me and asks, "hey mann, can i bum a smoke off you? you got any cigarettes?"

I show her it's a cigar i'm smoking and i explain how i only smoke cigars, that i dont have any cigarettes on me, and the cigar i was smoking was the only one i had on me.

a look of terror crosses her face. she goes on to say, "oh mannn, that sucks. i'm really wiggin out man and need a smoke baddddd." i apologize for not being able to help her out and wish her good luck finding a smoke.

you would think the conversation ends here...but it don't. she shockingly responds with, "can i at least have a drag?"

hahhah. i look at her to see if she was being serious...yup, she was. i laugh and tell her, "absolutely not...that would be disgusting...no offense."

she finally walks away, rejected and pissed off i wouldn't give her a drag off my cigar. some people truly amaze me. has this happened to anyone....ever??? hahah.

bacon egg and cheese....and pickles?

this morning i went down to a local favorite bakery to enjoy a fine breakfast sandwich. i grabbed my order and went outside to sit on the patio and innocently enjoy the talent show that walks up and down dartmouth st. i open up the brown bag and notice a little something extra in the bag. first, i thought maybe a breadstick or something?? what could it be? nope, not a breadstick. it was a long pickle wrapped in white paper. what? first off, pickles are disgusting with any meal...but pickles with breakfast has got to be a new level of grossness. who the hell eats pickles with breakfast? if you do, please take offense with this post and please reach out to me. this way, i know never to speak to you or see you in public, you gross pathetic excuse of a person.

roast beef?

so i've been living in Boston for a little over 2 years now. in my time here, i've had the pleasure of fully experiencing all of the north shore. during my travels, i've come to notice multiple delicatessens based on one food item - roast beef. it caught my eye the first time i saw a big sign screaming someone's famous roast beef on route 1. what the hell is roast beef anyway?? and why are my fellow new englanders seemingly obsessed with this type of meat? seriously...there's kelly's roast beef, bill and bob's famous roast beef, mike's roast beef, steve's roast beef, jimbo's famous roast beef, banjo's roast beef, billy's famous roast beef, helen's roast beef, liberty bell roast beef, royal roast beef, and the list goes on and on.
i'm not sure the rest of the nation, or even possibly the rest of massachusetts, knows about this cult obsession. or is it that i'm the only oblivious non-roast beefin dude in the area? regardless, this is weird custom, new england.

why are so many homeless people fat?

my last post reminds me of an age old question about homeless people....why are so many of them fat? i'm not talking like a little bit chubby, i'm talking about grotesquely obese. if they are homeless and have no money....how do they get food? more importantly, how do they get so much food that it gets them so crazy fat? i mean, they are (for the most part) walking around the city all day asking us for money. that is certainly a form of exercise, no? i think if i was homeless, with no money and had to beg for food and other stuff....i'd be insanely thin. like, emaciated. but then again, i think being homeless requires being a drunk. that's probably where they get the empty cals.