bacon egg and cheese....and pickles?

this morning i went down to a local favorite bakery to enjoy a fine breakfast sandwich. i grabbed my order and went outside to sit on the patio and innocently enjoy the talent show that walks up and down dartmouth st. i open up the brown bag and notice a little something extra in the bag. first, i thought maybe a breadstick or something?? what could it be? nope, not a breadstick. it was a long pickle wrapped in white paper. what? first off, pickles are disgusting with any meal...but pickles with breakfast has got to be a new level of grossness. who the hell eats pickles with breakfast? if you do, please take offense with this post and please reach out to me. this way, i know never to speak to you or see you in public, you gross pathetic excuse of a person.

roast beef?

so i've been living in Boston for a little over 2 years now. in my time here, i've had the pleasure of fully experiencing all of the north shore. during my travels, i've come to notice multiple delicatessens based on one food item - roast beef. it caught my eye the first time i saw a big sign screaming someone's famous roast beef on route 1. what the hell is roast beef anyway?? and why are my fellow new englanders seemingly obsessed with this type of meat? seriously...there's kelly's roast beef, bill and bob's famous roast beef, mike's roast beef, steve's roast beef, jimbo's famous roast beef, banjo's roast beef, billy's famous roast beef, helen's roast beef, liberty bell roast beef, royal roast beef, and the list goes on and on.
i'm not sure the rest of the nation, or even possibly the rest of massachusetts, knows about this cult obsession. or is it that i'm the only oblivious non-roast beefin dude in the area? regardless, this is weird custom, new england.

why are so many homeless people fat?

my last post reminds me of an age old question about homeless people....why are so many of them fat? i'm not talking like a little bit chubby, i'm talking about grotesquely obese. if they are homeless and have no money....how do they get food? more importantly, how do they get so much food that it gets them so crazy fat? i mean, they are (for the most part) walking around the city all day asking us for money. that is certainly a form of exercise, no? i think if i was homeless, with no money and had to beg for food and other stuff....i'd be insanely thin. like, emaciated. but then again, i think being homeless requires being a drunk. that's probably where they get the empty cals.

crazy encounters

the other day i was innocently walking home from work and i had a chance encounter with the crazy homeless lady that litters the back bay and parts of the commons. at first i was oddly glad to see her. see, she's not your usual bum. she always has decent clothes on...usually an african garb like thing. she appears to be somewhat groomed and clean. she dons newish sneakers and she carries what appears to be a full purse. what her exterior doesn't show you, is that she is completely insane. however, despite her shortcomings, the things that come out of this woman's mouth are the funniest things i've heard in boston.

the recent encounter.

so there i was, walking down the south end corridor and i spot this chick coming right at me. now, as most people would avoid making eye contact with a crazy person, i looked directly into those wild eyes and threw her a big smile, as if we were old friends randomly seeing eachother on the streets. to my surprise, she returned the gesture! she came up to me with an even bigger smile. so i nodded and said hello, to which she replied:

"hi. can i ask you a question?"
- absolutely
"can you please tell me why your mother never aborted you? you are a f*cking waste of skin you racist biggot."

needless to say, i couldn't contain myself. i started laughing pretty hard, which obviously didn't help the matter. is this the most horrible thing ever to be told or possibly the funniest thing to ever hear? i vote for the latter. thanks for the chuckle crazy lady.